Saturday, November 21, 2015

Every wedding...

Every wedding has the same cast members.  Since we did not have kids  my wife and I merely attend nieces' and nephew's nuptials along with the occasional co-worker's (or former co-workers as we are both retired), it makes me realize that this entertainment bonanza is precious place to see all humanity in a three to four hour time period.  Think about weddings you have been to.  Maybe not at all of them, but it seems like some of these stereotypes come through the door after two other people turn and go up the aisle.

Yes, I'm starting off easy.  The Bad Dancer (which would be the guy on the right).  You will see this guy on the floor early, especially if its open bar.  He knows none of the expected dances coming later (Electric Slide, Chicken Dance, or Jump On It) but will attempt all of them as he balances his bottle of beer. The man above seems to be holding a taser in his right hand, and is no doubt being allowed to "dance" for fear of bodily injury to the other guests.  By the night's end, our dancer will end up like this:

 And ladies, if you attend a wedding that is in a tent, some one will do this, right?

OK maybe not that bad (or good, depending on your view)

Personally, since any weddings I attend are just for friends  or more and more distant relatives. I'd prefer chaos.  Like the unexpected guest..

Of course, there's this required attendee.....

Please play Electric Slide, Macarena, I Will Always Love You (Dolly or Whitney), and Tears in
Heaven (Clapton's song about the death of his son).  Clapton's song is normally played while the meal is being served  "Would you pass the bread, if I saw you in Heaven?"

At the last wedding we went to the DJ was a known quantity in our area and I think he was the DJ at  Alexander Hamilton's wedding, having been recommended by George and Martha.  And I am sorry, but unless you are Tony Bennett,  once you qualify for Medicare you may want to think seriously about just introducing the wedding couple and the occasional dance move, and leave the singing to the proper people...

If the dancing guy in the first picture is still on his feet, he'll be here, not that he'll able to sing much, but he will end his night being sick on stage, or yelling at people in the room, or crying or just stand there until the awkwardness becomes overbearing and he is escorted out of the building and one of the groom's pals will take him home.  By that time, a number of ladies will have strutted on the stage, somebody from the wedding party is always required to participate the later the better. 

Then, with the cake having been brought out and the required smashing of cake into the bride and grooms respective faces (or not)........

Right after the cake has been dismembered by the wait staff, and coffee served , THE question then is asked. "You ready to go?" "Yeah, sure, whenever." The happy couple are already saying goodnight to the more elderly of the attendees, hugs and kisses, backslapping, "welcome to the club, fella! Oh, I forgot! She's got the club now Ha ha".  You wait like a sniper, trying to get a better view of your target who is now hugging her Aunt Bedelia for the third time, perhaps trying disentangle her veil from Bedelia's wig that she brings out for special occasions.  It's time to skulk around tables that contained the incredible talking beer machines, the arms folded on chest middle aged lady whose husband is still at the bar talking to some blonde chicky he'd while getting his fourth scotch of the day, and you wait until we get home, mister...  

At some point you can leave the drama behind and exchange farewells with the happy couple, wishing the best for them as you all play the game...heading to the car and estimating the length of time the happy couple will be that happy couple.  

This picture is from my own wedding in 1985.  There are more pictures someone around here.  Versions of the stereotypes noted above were there at my wedding, too.  It's just life. Now I look at this photo and note the two ladies on my left have since died (Mother, Sister).  We have this frozen moment. 

Life is like an open bar at a wedding.  When you arrive you leap right in and enjoy whats here and waiting for you, looking for fellow feasters, seeing chances for another and then another.  And boy what happened? The bartender seems more critical of your consumption, but it's all free, right?  Sooner or later you'll be feeling sorta strange and telling the groom's father about an unfortunate incident with the groom's sister and things go downhill from there. That's why the gods made cash bars.

You are invited to partake of this feast of life with your fellow human beings.  Try not to be a total jerk, m'kay?

Oh, wait!  the entertainment at a friends wedding was this....Really, it was!